The many-faced God!

Sounding boards are very interesting, very harmless, in fact. At least I think so. In the way that they really just project the sound from the source, only sometimes giving the feeling of having amplified the source. Like parabolic headlamps. You get a podium, you get a sounding board, in most cases. So under these considerations, I think soundboards are almost innocuous, harmless in the least, and a bonus in the best case, which, despite the apparent bulk, somehow manages to convince the customer to carry it along. I am convinced social media is not too different. This is not a tirade against social media, although the title could mean an easy segue into this dangerous territory. While you are caught up in this haze, I was quietly slip in another analogue. Humans.

I don't need to repeat this, but I will. We humans are a curious species, and I am too incompetent to be discussing either the complex evolutionary process or the equally daunting psychological and sociological factors that shape us. All I know is that it is very difficult for us to be us, to be what we want to be, at all times. Oscar Wilde might either actually have a quote or two on what I want to say, or perhaps a few must have been falsely attributed to him in a very matter-of-factly manner. I have been 27 different individuals up until now. Or may be more.

I have questioned this to myself. Am I a different individual while at work versus the one who might come across as a borderline anti-social at home versus someone who is popular amongst his friends versus who is very blunt, almost hostile when with strangers versus a very friendly and mild-mannered individual for relatives (even the distant ones) versus an indifferent, almost dismissive prick for minor acquaintances. This need not necessarily mean my behaviour is limited to the aforementioned when with the aforementioned categories or platforms. And then there is the small matter of the all pervading, omniscient, the peeping jack that social media is. Am I someone who is almost a non-entity on social media (implies not a single fuck given about social media presence or activity) or someone who secretly craves all the attention that social media can really provide?

Coming back to sounding boards, I love finding one for myself every now and then. When I am bored, when I am excited, when I am dejected, when I am insecure, when I am angry, when I am guilty, when I come clean, when I am embarrassed, when I feel contrite, when I need revalidation, and well, put in as many emotions, I need one. The interesting thing is, somehow, I think I want a different for every emotion. The bad news is I don't think I manage to find any. I don't think I need to project the need for any. I would rather live two different lives. One an apparently very turbulent, but private life, and the other, very ebullient, if sometimes caustic, and very secure individual. I used to have something of a sounding board not too long back. But the thing is, unlike the inanimate sounding board, humans are real, and temporal.

Which brings me to social media. Do I find refuge in this immensely cryptic and nebulous world, or perhaps do I seek one? And here, unlike the inanimate world, social media is more real that the real. More real in the sense that it has grown into this all consuming mobster (or monster, whichever way you call it) with a very distinct character of its own, and a very distinct way in which it acts and reacts. Just like humans as sounding boards can be frustrating, social media can be too. Just like humans as sounding boards can be endearing, social media can be too. The difference is I can easily switch my sounding boards in the human world, replacing one with the other with time and with mood, but I can't do the same, not at least now, in the social media world. That is a very challenging proposition to me. Because while reflecting or perhaps enhancing your personality as a sounding board, social media can spit. Ugly. In your face. Definitely not harmless in any way. In the human world, we choose sounding boards. In the social world, it is almost like the sounding board choosing the source. Choosing who it embraces.

For me, I am secure without a sounding board. Partly because I am happy with living 27 lives in two worlds. I would have been at least a couple more by the time I finish writing this. And no, I am still not tempted to call this dishonesty. I would perhaps just say, we are all the worshippers of the many faced God.

It don't feel right!

I am a very proud man. To the extent that I have been at the receiving end of taunts right from my school days. Of course, I cannot really reconcile to the negative connotations that come boot-strapped to the idea of pride. I would think it to be a virtue to be proud. I always was clueless about whether the jokes were really meant to be hurtful, because never once did I feel that way. Little perks of being really good when it comes to having a half decent vocabulary. So one day I sat down with one of those not-so-friendly classmates for a chat. Man to man. Why did he really want to insult me? And why did he think calling me "proud" would really further his cause?

After trying to persuade me into believing what he wanted to convey and what he ended up conveying were one and the same thing, he ended the discussion with exasperation. "It's one and the same thing, dude." That was my little moment of realising two very important things. First, it is important to understand what exactly do I feel. Second, it is equally important to convey it in the most accurate manner. The second bit comes with a little rider. We all, eventually, might end up knowing how we feel, but because we are bound by the mode / manner / instruments of expressing it, we can only hope to be as close to accurate as possible.

I have used both of the above through all these years with utmost discretion, and alacrity. To the extent that I, really, realize what was going through up there only when I am no longer in that state of mind. This is a complicated baggage to carry, I think. Because hypothesizing does little beyond giving a false comfort of being in control. I don't remember almost half the sequence of events that may have transpired, which may have made me feel whatever I did. Plus, when deconstructing the thought, the process ends up holding greater value and a higher priority than feeling that feeling, and then, well it's a maelstrom.

The unending quest to attach definitions to everything that we encounter is a terrible truth. I have always felt the urge to document in my mind - I am not a man of letters - every second of my life. It's like reliving every second twice. I have lost out a great deal because of this. But I take solace in the sure-footedness that comes with it. And like every archive, I need to group everything. I don't know whether the human mind has an infinite capacity to recollect things, or better still, never lose track of anything. So I cluster a lot of dissimilar emotions and memories for easy retrieval. It is mostly confusing and sometimes pointless. But that's the way it is.

I am not a saint. So I have done a lot of not-so-good things in my life. And I am an immensely proud individual, who takes a lot of pride in his moral excellence. So by all account, I must have, at different points in time, felt ashamed, guilty, regretful, remorseful or contrite, because of my actions. The thing is, I have been terribly failing at being able to successfully identify what I may have felt. Unlike a multiple choice question, I cannot solve this through elimination. This then ultimately decides what I choose to do about stuff that I don't feel quite right about. And so, many a misdemeanour might have remained unaddressed, many a slight left untended. While, of course, in my zeal to set things right, I may have caused myself and others, much embarrassment, on matters that did not exist.

I am a man extremely confident in my abilities. Whatever they may be about. To the extent that I have live a major part of my life in what I hear being referred to as a superiority complex. I have, what we Indians love to call an attitude problem. I am arrogant. I am condescending. I am obnoxious. But I am extremely humble, extremely courteous, extremely well mannered.

And yet, something don't feel right. You may have the same opinion at thing point in time. Gotcha!