I am a very proud man. To the extent that I have been at the receiving end of taunts right from my school days. Of course, I cannot really reconcile to the negative connotations that come boot-strapped to the idea of pride. I would think it to be a virtue to be proud. I always was clueless about whether the jokes were really meant to be hurtful, because never once did I feel that way. Little perks of being really good when it comes to having a half decent vocabulary. So one day I sat down with one of those not-so-friendly classmates for a chat. Man to man. Why did he really want to insult me? And why did he think calling me "proud" would really further his cause?
After trying to persuade me into believing what he wanted to convey and what he ended up conveying were one and the same thing, he ended the discussion with exasperation. "It's one and the same thing, dude." That was my little moment of realising two very important things. First, it is important to understand what exactly do I feel. Second, it is equally important to convey it in the most accurate manner. The second bit comes with a little rider. We all, eventually, might end up knowing how we feel, but because we are bound by the mode / manner / instruments of expressing it, we can only hope to be as close to accurate as possible.
I have used both of the above through all these years with utmost discretion, and alacrity. To the extent that I, really, realize what was going through up there only when I am no longer in that state of mind. This is a complicated baggage to carry, I think. Because hypothesizing does little beyond giving a false comfort of being in control. I don't remember almost half the sequence of events that may have transpired, which may have made me feel whatever I did. Plus, when deconstructing the thought, the process ends up holding greater value and a higher priority than feeling that feeling, and then, well it's a maelstrom.
The unending quest to attach definitions to everything that we encounter is a terrible truth. I have always felt the urge to document in my mind - I am not a man of letters - every second of my life. It's like reliving every second twice. I have lost out a great deal because of this. But I take solace in the sure-footedness that comes with it. And like every archive, I need to group everything. I don't know whether the human mind has an infinite capacity to recollect things, or better still, never lose track of anything. So I cluster a lot of dissimilar emotions and memories for easy retrieval. It is mostly confusing and sometimes pointless. But that's the way it is.
I am not a saint. So I have done a lot of not-so-good things in my life. And I am an immensely proud individual, who takes a lot of pride in his moral excellence. So by all account, I must have, at different points in time, felt ashamed, guilty, regretful, remorseful or contrite, because of my actions. The thing is, I have been terribly failing at being able to successfully identify what I may have felt. Unlike a multiple choice question, I cannot solve this through elimination. This then ultimately decides what I choose to do about stuff that I don't feel quite right about. And so, many a misdemeanour might have remained unaddressed, many a slight left untended. While, of course, in my zeal to set things right, I may have caused myself and others, much embarrassment, on matters that did not exist.
I am a man extremely confident in my abilities. Whatever they may be about. To the extent that I have live a major part of my life in what I hear being referred to as a superiority complex. I have, what we Indians love to call an attitude problem. I am arrogant. I am condescending. I am obnoxious. But I am extremely humble, extremely courteous, extremely well mannered.
And yet, something don't feel right. You may have the same opinion at thing point in time. Gotcha!
After trying to persuade me into believing what he wanted to convey and what he ended up conveying were one and the same thing, he ended the discussion with exasperation. "It's one and the same thing, dude." That was my little moment of realising two very important things. First, it is important to understand what exactly do I feel. Second, it is equally important to convey it in the most accurate manner. The second bit comes with a little rider. We all, eventually, might end up knowing how we feel, but because we are bound by the mode / manner / instruments of expressing it, we can only hope to be as close to accurate as possible.
I have used both of the above through all these years with utmost discretion, and alacrity. To the extent that I, really, realize what was going through up there only when I am no longer in that state of mind. This is a complicated baggage to carry, I think. Because hypothesizing does little beyond giving a false comfort of being in control. I don't remember almost half the sequence of events that may have transpired, which may have made me feel whatever I did. Plus, when deconstructing the thought, the process ends up holding greater value and a higher priority than feeling that feeling, and then, well it's a maelstrom.
The unending quest to attach definitions to everything that we encounter is a terrible truth. I have always felt the urge to document in my mind - I am not a man of letters - every second of my life. It's like reliving every second twice. I have lost out a great deal because of this. But I take solace in the sure-footedness that comes with it. And like every archive, I need to group everything. I don't know whether the human mind has an infinite capacity to recollect things, or better still, never lose track of anything. So I cluster a lot of dissimilar emotions and memories for easy retrieval. It is mostly confusing and sometimes pointless. But that's the way it is.
I am not a saint. So I have done a lot of not-so-good things in my life. And I am an immensely proud individual, who takes a lot of pride in his moral excellence. So by all account, I must have, at different points in time, felt ashamed, guilty, regretful, remorseful or contrite, because of my actions. The thing is, I have been terribly failing at being able to successfully identify what I may have felt. Unlike a multiple choice question, I cannot solve this through elimination. This then ultimately decides what I choose to do about stuff that I don't feel quite right about. And so, many a misdemeanour might have remained unaddressed, many a slight left untended. While, of course, in my zeal to set things right, I may have caused myself and others, much embarrassment, on matters that did not exist.
I am a man extremely confident in my abilities. Whatever they may be about. To the extent that I have live a major part of my life in what I hear being referred to as a superiority complex. I have, what we Indians love to call an attitude problem. I am arrogant. I am condescending. I am obnoxious. But I am extremely humble, extremely courteous, extremely well mannered.
And yet, something don't feel right. You may have the same opinion at thing point in time. Gotcha!
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